Phillipsburg, NJ - After six months of detours and nonstop bitching, the Black Bridge is expected to reopen October 23, giving residents the horrifying prospect of having one less thing to complain about.
“Why the fuck’d they close it if they was just gonna open it again?” demanded one entirely fictional local traffic expert, “Now what am I going to complain about on Facebook?”
Another questioned the timing. “October? Shoulda fixed the damn thing in April when it wasn’t so cold.”
The sidewalks will remain temporarily closed for additional improvements, prompting imaginary resident Dale Toofer to announce, “So cars can go but people can’t? What kinda communist bullshit is that? Damn Liberals.”
The reopening comes just ahead of the Phillipsburg-Easton Halloween Parade, giving residents another opportunity to complain about traffic.
Town officials anticipate the bridge reopening, pending final safety requirements.
Residents remain cautiously furious.
“Betcha they’ll close the bastard again after mid-terms.”
This article is intended for satirical purposes only. If you choose to believe this bullshit, we welcome your readership, but seriously question your intellect.