Phillipsburg, NJ - The Town of Phillipsburg has announced another round of paving beginning October 19, with 6 AM to 6 PM parking restrictions, triggering a full-scale emotional collapse among residents who have spent years demanding better roads.
“I’ve been complaining about this street since 2017,” said resident Doug Dingle, 54. “Now they’re fixing it, and suddenly I gotta move my fucking car? This town is ridiculous.”
Another resident, Karen Screamwell, dressed in a bathrobe and Oreo Cookie pajama pants, took a deep puff of her Newport cigarette and demanded to know why the government couldn’t simply pave underneath parked vehicles.
“It’s 2026. We have artificial intelligence. Figure it out.”
The Department of Asphalt and Emotional Damage has reportedly recommended that residents temporarily relocate their vehicles, a radical concept requiring both reverse gear and basic motor skills.
Officials remain baffled by the parking outrage, considering Phillipsburg’s traditional morning commute consists of walking up the street shirtless, wearing cutoff jean shorts, and carrying a glass bottle of Budweiser like it’s a reusable travel mug.
Meanwhile, a third resident insisted his taxes should cover road repairs without the inconvenience of anyone actually repairing a road.
The town’s greatest infrastructure challenge may not be asphalt.
It may be the people driving on it.
This article is intended for satirical purposes only. If you choose to believe this bullshit, we welcome your readership, but seriously question your intellect.