Phillipsburg, NJ - In a bold demonstration of municipal efficiency, Phillipsburg has announced its 2026 leaf collection program, running November 2 through December 14, giving taxpayers six glorious weeks to witness the government accomplish what a strong gust of wind does for free.
Residents will receive five complimentary clear bags per week, apparently because six would bankrupt the republic.
The operation features designated collection zones, specific dates, and a strict no-callback policy, meaning your leaves better understand the fucking schedule.
Residents outside designated zones must bag their own leaves, proving that even dead vegetation can find itself excluded from government services.
Meanwhile, leaves falling on county roads face an entirely different set of rules, because nothing says efficient government quite like jurisdictional disputes over decomposing tree shit.
Town officials did not announce a victory parade, although residents are encouraged to remain hopeful.
This article is intended for satirical purposes only. If you choose to believe this bullshit, we welcome your readership, but seriously question your intellect.