Phillipsburg, NJ - Over the past two weeks, residents say home security cameras have captured two hooded, masked figures rummaging through parked vehicles. Several homeowners have reportedly released the footage on social media, giving the community a front-row seat to the mysterious late-night activity.
While their identities and intentions remain unknown, The Burgshit’s Department of Archaeological Bullshit has developed a theory: they’re treasure hunters.
According to the theory, the legendary fortune can only be discovered between midnight and 5 a.m. Apparently, the treasure loses its magical powers at sunrise and can only be recovered under cover of darkness while hardworking taxpayers are asleep.
The mysterious explorers apparently believe the fortune lies somewhere between the passenger seat and center console of a 2011 Nissan Altima.
Potential treasures include $1.37 in sticky change, three expired Wawa coupons, a French fry from 2019, a dirty sock, an empty cigarette box, and a burnt CD labeled “SUMMER JAMZ.”
Their greatest discovery could be a Phillipsburg resident’s original vehicle registration, an artifact believed to be rarer than Egyptian gold.
Anyone witnessing suspicious activity should contact police.
And to our mysterious explorers: if you’re searching for buried treasure in Phillipsburg, try the municipal budget. Apparently, that’s where everybody’s money disappears.
This article is intended for satirical purposes only. If you choose to believe this bullshit, we welcome your readership, but seriously question your intellect.