Phillipsburg, NJ - A crisis is unfolding within Phillipsburg’s criminal workforce after police reported just two shootings so far in 2026, compared to 14 during all of 2025.
The encouraging crime statistics have sent shockwaves through Phillipsburg’s criminal workforce, where declining productivity, poor coordination, and an alarming lack of ambition have raised serious concerns about the future of local delinquency.
Attempts to organize criminal activity have reportedly collapsed after participants became distracted by TikTok, failed to understand basic instructions, or demanded recognition for attending the planning meeting.
Meanwhile, increased police patrols and proactive enforcement have made an already difficult working environment considerably worse.
With annual performance reviews approaching, struggling delinquents face mandatory retraining, reduced benefits, and possible placement on 90-day performance improvement plans.
With police tightening enforcement and the criminal workforce struggling to remain relevant, the town’s remaining troublemakers may soon find themselves permanently out of business.
Unfortunately, getting fired is the closest most of these employees have ever come to having a legitimate job.
This article is intended for satirical purposes only. If you choose to believe this bullshit, we welcome your readership, but seriously question your intellect.