Phillipsburg, NJ - On October 13, 2026, Phillipsburg Town Council adopted Ordinance O2026-27, a new fee ordinance featuring increases so impressive that inflation reportedly asked for a copy of the business plan.
Among the highlights, certain additional fire detector fees jump 233.3%, additional electrical outlet block fees climb 212.5%, and informal application fees soar 200%.
Apparently, filling out paperwork casually is now a luxury experience.
Even more remarkable, the ordinance somehow slipped past P.A.J.A.M.A., the Phillipsburg Association of Judgmental Adults Monitoring Absolutely-everything, a formidable coalition of cigarette-smoking, pajama-clad Facebook-addicted constitutional scholars who normally declare a municipal emergency whenever a school bus driver fails to wave enthusiastically enough.
Their last crisis reportedly generated 187 Facebook comments, three threats to contact the Governor, and one woman demanding the bus driver’s resignation from a job she wasn’t entirely sure he had.
Meanwhile, a small residential shed permit increases 108.3%, and the hourly fee for a fire department pumper doubles from $200 to $400.
Not a peep.
The good news is that breathing remains free.
For now.
This article is intended for satirical purposes only. If you choose to believe this bullshit, we welcome your readership, but seriously question your intellect.