Phillipsburg, NJ - In a historic show of community unity, Phillipsburg residents have finally agreed that the town was a hell of a lot better before everyone else moved here.
Longtime residents trace the beginning of the end to the late 1990s, when affordable housing began attracting people who had apparently never received permission from families already living here.
Over the years, newcomers from places like Newark, Irvington, Edison, and Camden became part of the local conversation, while longtime residents continued measuring citizenship by how many generations of their family attended Phillipsburg High School.
Meanwhile, residents who moved here five years ago are furious about people who moved here last week.
One man who arrived in 1986 still considers himself an outsider and refuses to discuss town business without first consulting somebody whose grandfather worked at Ingersoll Rand.
Local landlords, however, have expressed little concern over the controversy, as long as everyone continues mailing their rent checks.
In fact, Phillipsburg has redefined community pride as buying a house here, living somewhere else, and charging rent to people who don’t have that option.
Meanwhile, absentee landlords have been spotted checking their Zillow estimates every fifteen minutes, proudly watching their investment properties appreciate in a town they wouldn’t personally consider living in.
Despite their differences, residents agree Phillipsburg isn’t what it used to be.
The only disagreement is when things started going downhill.
According to a recent informal survey conducted by absolutely nobody, the answer is approximately six months after each respondent moved here.
This article is intended for satirical purposes only. If you choose to believe this bullshit, we welcome your readership, but seriously question your intellect.