Phillipsburg, NJ - Phillipsburg Town Council officially approved the latest amendments to its Riverfront Redevelopment Plan on October 13, marking another historic milestone in the town’s decades-long effort to figure out what the hell to do with 2.5 miles of Delaware River waterfront.

The newly approved plan covers six redevelopment districts, giving taxpayers a fresh opportunity to admire the same damn river through a dense fog of municipal bullshit, expensive studies, and paperwork thick enough to stop a freight train.

The original plan was adopted in 2005 and has already undergone at least six amendments. After more than 20 years of plans, revisions, and competing visions, Phillipsburg has once again accomplished the one thing it does exceptionally well: approving a plan to eventually accomplish something else.

Unfortunately, anyone hoping to actually build something may first have to solve Phillipsburg’s greatest logistical crisis: getting building materials through town without traumatizing somebody on South Main Street.

With P.A.J.A.M.A.’s reported opposition to truck traffic, developers may need to transport steel, concrete, and lumber by freight helicopter, adding astronomical expenses before the first shovel touches dirt.

For the truck opposition movement’s most delicate nervous systems, a single flatbed carrying a load of two-by-fours presents a level of emotional devastation normally associated with watching Easton win another Thanksgiving Day football game.

“One truck carrying lumber? Through MY neighborhood? I’d rather see the entire project abandoned and converted into a butterfly sanctuary,” declared the chairman of the Committee Against Traumatic Truck Sightings, who reportedly keeps emergency smelling salts beside his front window.

Prospective developers must first survive the traditional Phillipsburg political obstacle course, a tug-of-war dating back to the 1990s, where every new administration arrives with a fresh vision and the firm belief that the previous vision was complete bullshit. One wants luxury apartments, another wants a public park, and somebody inevitably suggests bringing back the Morris Canal, complete with mules and a toll booth. Thirty years later, the only thing consistently being developed along the waterfront is a thriving consulting industry.

Of course, the only thing everyone can agree on is the need for another ceremonial groundbreaking, preferably attended by politicians who will be comfortably retired before anyone actually breaks ground.

At Union Square, the Committee for Advanced Looking Into Things continues exploring an innovative luxury viewing experience: stand near the water, point toward Easton, and describe everything as “mixed-use potential.” Premium admission includes a consultant explaining why a public bench requires a feasibility study, an environmental review, and seventeen PowerPoint presentations.

Meanwhile, previous reports concerning raw sewage entering the Delaware River raises a considerably less glamorous waterfront question. Perhaps before commissioning another glossy rendering of riverside dining, somebody should make sure the river isn’t being pumped full of shit.

Easton, of course, already has a waterfront.

Phillipsburg has six redevelopment districts, a potential airborne lumber supply chain, and a municipal vision board.

At this rate, the only thing guaranteed to be developed along the Phillipsburg waterfront is another generation of consultants.

This article is intended for satirical purposes only. If you choose to believe this bullshit, we welcome your readership, but seriously question your intellect.