Phillipsburg, NJ - In an effort to protect residents from excessive electricity consumption, water usage, and strain on public resources, Phillipsburg Town Council banned data centers in April, apparently unaware that its largest information-processing operation is already running around the clock in local Facebook comment sections.
Unfortunately, the ordinance did nothing to address the thousands of residents operating high-volume bullshit-processing systems from their living rooms.
According to The Burgshit’s Department of Unnecessary Research, a single controversial Facebook post can generate enough speculation, accusations, grammatical atrocities, and unrelated political arguments to overwhelm a commercial server.
A typical discussion begins with someone asking why a street is closed.
Within eleven minutes, seventeen residents have blamed the mayor, six have accused the council of corruption, three are demanding property tax reductions, and one woman has somehow connected the closure to something Barack Obama did in 2012.
By the end of the hour, nobody remembers which street was closed or why. Nevertheless, the argument continues for three days.
Researchers estimate that Phillipsburg’s Facebook community processes approximately 47 terabytes of useless information every afternoon, mostly consisting of the same five complaints repeated by different people.
Investigators also identified another major contributor to the town’s digital storage crisis: the endless supply of staged photographs featuring local politicians.
Ribbon cuttings, ceremonial check presentations, freshly paved roads, and completed sidewalks have become opportunities for elected officials to assemble for photographs.
A single completed project can generate hundreds of nearly identical pictures, each featuring politicians attempting to remain visible without standing behind somebody more important.
“Somebody fills a pothole, and suddenly there are twelve people standing around it smiling like they just landed on the moon,” explained one researcher. “We’re going to need a dedicated server just to store pictures of people pointing at pavement.”
At this rate, Phillipsburg could eventually require the very data centers it just banned simply to preserve photographs of politicians celebrating projects taxpayers already paid for.
Meanwhile, P.A.J.A.M.A., the Phillipsburg Association of Judgmental Adults Monitoring Absolutely Everything, continues operating one of the region’s most sophisticated rumor-distribution networks.
Members can reportedly investigate unfamiliar neighbors and determine the moral character of complete strangers using nothing more than a blurry photograph and absolutely no supporting evidence.
“We don’t need some fancy data center telling us what’s happening in this town,” explained member Denise Miller, 54. “I’ve lived here my whole life, and if I don’t know something, I’ll just make an educated guess and post it as a fact.”
Miller considers her lack of formal education on the subject an advantage because she isn’t influenced by information.
Of course, when someone points out that a Facebook post is wrong, nobody admits it. Instead, they double down with the usual responses: “Do your research,” “Everybody knows what’s really going on,” or the local favorite, “I’ve lived here for 40 years,” as if living in Phillipsburg automatically makes someone an expert on everything.
Traditional data centers might consume substantial amounts of electricity, but at least they’re designed to produce something useful.
Phillipsburg’s existing network has spent years processing enormous volumes of information without demonstrating that capability.
Unfortunately, there’s still no ordinance against having absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.
And judging by local Facebook activity, any attempt to pass one would immediately be challenged by the largest organized opposition movement in Phillipsburg history.
This article is intended for satirical purposes only. If you choose to believe this bullshit, we welcome your readership, but seriously question your intellect.