Phillipsburg, NJ - What began as an ordinary shopping day at Hobby Lobby quickly descended into confusion after Phillipsburg’s Mayor reportedly wandered through the aisles carrying an oversized pair of ceremonial scissors and cutting every ribbon he could find.
Witnesses say the Mayor entered the store, spotted a decorative bow on a gift basket, shouted “THREE, TWO, ONE!” and immediately declared the basket officially open for business.
Within minutes, he had conducted ribbon-cutting ceremonies for a candle display, a Christmas wreath, two gift bags, and a roll of wrapping paper.
Employees initially believed the Mayor was shopping until he requested a photograph beside a newly opened box of scented soaps.
“He kept asking us to hold the ribbon tighter and smile,” said one visibly exhausted employee. “We told him those were bows for customers. He said economic development doesn’t take a day off.”
The situation escalated when Phillipsburg’s Mayor discovered an entire aisle of decorative ribbon.
Store management reportedly intervened after he attempted to schedule a grand opening ceremony for the cash register.
Before leaving, the Mayor thanked everyone for supporting small businesses and promised to return next week for the official ribbon cutting of the store’s new shipment of greeting cards.
As of press time, Phillipsburg’s Mayor was reportedly spotted outside a nearby bakery, staring intensely at the ribbon around a box of cannoli.
This article is intended for satirical purposes only. If you choose to believe this bullshit, we welcome your readership, but seriously question your intellect.