Phillipsburg, NJ - A local 11-year-old named Billy Watkins has stunned the community after completely redeveloping Union Square in Minecraft over the weekend, accomplishing what generations of municipal planning, engineering studies, public meetings, and taxpayer dollars have struggled to achieve.
Armed with a laptop, a bag of Doritos, and absolutely no understanding of municipal bureaucracy, the fifth-grader transformed the aging downtown gateway into a thriving destination featuring restaurants, shops, green spaces, parking, and a functioning waterfront.
The entire project reportedly took six hours.
When asked how he managed to complete the redevelopment so quickly, Billy explained, “I just started building stuff.”
The youngster’s methods have reportedly confused local redevelopment enthusiasts, who pointed out that the project lacked a feasibility study, environmental impact statement, three engineering consultants, and a PowerPoint presentation explaining why nothing could happen for another decade.
Perhaps most shocking, the child included adequate parking without demolishing half the neighborhood.
His design also featured a waterfront restaurant, pedestrian walkways, and attractive landscaping, all constructed without a single ceremonial groundbreaking photograph.
Local politicians were reportedly impressed but expressed concern that the child had failed to take pictures of them standing beside the completed work.
One anonymous Town Council member has reportedly demanded that Watkins appear before the Land Use Board and face substantial fines for failing to obtain the proper permits before beginning construction.
“We can’t just have people running around completing projects without permission,” the council member explained. “There are procedures in place to prevent this sort of thing.”
Meanwhile, members of P.A.J.A.M.A. immediately criticized the redevelopment on Facebook, complaining that the new buildings would attract outsiders, increase traffic, and ruin the character of a neighborhood they haven’t visited since 1997.
The child has since offered to rebuild the rest of Phillipsburg, provided his mother lets him stay up past 9 p.m.
Unfortunately, negotiations have stalled after town redevelopment enthusiasts learned the boy’s Minecraft world contains something completely unacceptable to Phillipsburg planning traditions.
An actual completion date.
This article is intended for satirical purposes only. If you choose to believe this bullshit, we welcome your readership, but seriously question your intellect.