Phillipsburg, NJ - With road construction underway across town, Phillipsburg has been issuing roadwork updates at a pace that now rivals the actual roadwork.
Residents are advised to check the latest announcement, compare it with yesterday’s announcement, disregard anything that has changed, and consult tomorrow’s announcement to determine whether today’s announcement was correct.
No Parking signs may appear before construction begins and remain after it ends, leaving motorists to determine whether they’re legally parked or participating in a municipal guessing game.
The increasingly complicated schedule includes milling, paving, striping, utility work, and enough street names to qualify as a geography exam.
Town officials continue asking residents for patience while improvements move forward.
Meanwhile, residents have reportedly developed a simpler system for determining which roads are closed.
They get in their cars and find out.
This article is intended for satirical purposes only. If you choose to believe this bullshit, we welcome your readership, but seriously question your intellect.