Phillipsburg, NJ - Mischief Night passed quietly in Phillipsburg, with no corn thrown at homes, no frantic door knocking, and no neighborhoods buried in toilet paper.
Town officials immediately credited the parental responsibility ordinance, declaring that the threat of holding parents accountable had successfully kept children home.
C.A.G.E. member Dolores Grudgewick disputed that assessment, crediting her organization, Citizens Against Generational Entitlement, and its coordinated neighborhood patrols.
“We had flashlights, whistles, and absolutely no intention of distinguishing between criminal activity and walking,” Grudgewick said. “One kid came outside to bring in the garbage cans. We surrounded him. He doesn’t know how close he came to going to jail.”
An anonymous teenager offered a different explanation.
“We walked around looking for somewhere to mess up, but honestly, what the hell were we supposed to do? It already looks bad enough.”
“Why risk getting arrested for something nobody’s even going to notice?”
A young man wise beyond his years.
This article is intended for satirical purposes only. If you choose to believe this bullshit, we welcome your readership, but seriously question your intellect.