Phillipsburg, NJ - It’s Election Day! For many Phillipsburg residents, today represents more than an opportunity to exercise their constitutional right to vote. It represents the hope that tomorrow they’ll finally be able to see the other side of an intersection without looking through 47 campaign signs.
For months, the town’s roadways, intersections, parking lots, and residential lawns have been littered with political signs reminding residents to vote for candidates whose names they could recite in their sleep.
Some intersections have become so crowded with signs that residents can no longer tell whether they’re approaching a traffic light or a political convention.
Recognizing the growing frustration, the Town of Phillipsburg reportedly assembled an Investigative Exploratory Committee to determine what useful purpose the signs might serve after Election Day.
The five-member committee consists of two town officials and one representative each from P.A.J.A.M.A., C.A.G.E., and A.C.T.I.V.E.
Dolores Grouchmouth, representing Citizens Against Generational Entitlement (C.A.G.E.), proposed collecting the signs and constructing temporary jail cells for Phillipsburg’s juvenile delinquents.
“They’re already standing around doing nothing productive,” Grouchmouth explained. “We might as well put them somewhere they can read campaign promises until they learn their lesson.”
Hillary Newportlips of P.A.J.A.M.A. asked whether the signs could be used to patch several holes in her living room walls following an argument with her ex-boyfriend, whom she reportedly broke up with yesterday for the seventh time this month.
She also proposed shredding the signs into biodegradable cat litter for the growing population of stray cats living in her backyard.
Lori Goodintentions, a local elementary school teacher representing Adults Committed To Involvement, Values & Example (A.C.T.I.V.E.), offered the committee its first practical suggestion.
“These signs could provide enough arts and crafts materials to keep our elementary students busy for the entire school year,” she explained.
Unfortunately, the two town officials had already begun calculating how many signs would be needed to construct a new municipal building.
The proposal reportedly gained immediate support after someone pointed out that Phillipsburg has been operating without its former Corliss Avenue municipal headquarters for years following the discovery of mold and asbestos.
One official suggested that if enough signs could be collected, the town might finally have enough material to construct a building large enough to accommodate its entire government.
The meeting was briefly interrupted by a resident who wasn’t invited but showed up anyway.
“Why the hell do we need this many signs in the first place?” he demanded. “Between early voting and mail-in ballots, half these people already voted before the last thousand signs went up!”
The committee acknowledged his concerns but explained that eliminating unnecessary signs was outside the scope of its investigation.
Instead, members agreed to continue exploring recycling opportunities.
The meeting concluded with a recommendation to form a second committee to determine what should be done with the first committee’s recommendations.
Meanwhile, residents are looking forward to Wednesday, when they’ll finally be able to enjoy a few months of unobstructed scenery before the next round of candidates begins promising everyone everything they want to hear, most of which will never get done.
This article is intended for satirical purposes only. If you choose to believe this bullshit, we welcome your readership, but seriously question your intellect.