Phillipsburg, NJ - Members of P.A.J.A.M.A. (Phillipsburg Association of Judgmental Adults Monitoring Absolutely Everything) are reportedly planning a victory celebration after learning that Phillipsburg Town Council has relaxed restrictions on what many members describe as the only steady employment they’ve ever had.
Under the revised ordinance, residents can now hold four yard sales per year instead of two, a decision P.A.J.A.M.A. leaders are calling a historic victory for hardworking Americans who refuse to let the government interfere with their right to sell their ex-boyfriends’ and ex-husbands’ belongings from a folding table.
“For years, we’ve been held back by government regulations,” said P.A.J.A.M.A. spokesperson Janet Bitchmore. “How am I supposed to support my family with only two yard sales a year? I’ve got three ex-husbands, two ex-boyfriends, and an entire basement full of their shit.”
Bitchmore, who has operated a seasonal retail business from the small front lawn of her half-double home since 2017, says the change will finally allow her to expand her business without the unnecessary burden of obtaining actual employment.
The announcement has also been welcomed by administrators of Phillipsburg’s seemingly endless collection of community Facebook pages, many of whom consider approving garage sale posts a full-time occupation.
“This is huge for our community,” said one administrator, who manages seven Phillipsburg Facebook groups and hasn’t missed a notification since 2019. “We’re expecting twice as many yard sale posts, twice as many people asking if something is still available, and twice as many opportunities to remind everyone that this is MY group and MY rules.”
Another moderator announced plans to recruit additional administrators to handle the anticipated increase in blurry furniture photographs, missing prices, and posts demanding “SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY.”
“We take our responsibilities seriously,” she explained. “If someone posts a yard sale without following Rule 17, subsection B, they’ll be removed immediately. This isn’t just Facebook. This is our community.”
Meanwhile, P.A.J.A.M.A. members have announced plans to simply stop paying taxes on used merchandise, collect unemployment benefits during rainy weekends, and recognize yard-sale preparation as legitimate work experience.
Despite the expanded allowance, members remain outraged that the town still requires permits for ordinary yard sales.
“If I want to sell a toaster that hasn’t worked since 1996, that’s between me, the buyer, and the Lord,” said Bitchmore. “The government has no business getting involved.”
The victory celebration is expected to conclude around 2 p.m., when members begin packing everything back into their basements after realizing nobody wants to pay $15 for a stained bath mat.
Facebook administrators have already begun preparing by creating three new Phillipsburg community groups dedicated exclusively to yard sales, each with 14 administrators, 37 rules, and a pinned announcement reminding everyone that the moderators work hard and deserve respect.
This article is intended for satirical purposes only. If you choose to believe this bullshit, we welcome your readership, but seriously question your intellect.